Location: Brisbane, Australia

If It Kills Me – Jason Mraz (For Those Who Are In The Loop)

The reason why I love Jason Mraz so much is because of the songs he write. No need for any complicated loops or technical bells and whistles. Never really liked an artiste to be too over packaged.

A simple story that everyone can relate to is all we need at times.

 

Hello, tell me you know, yeah, you’ve figured me out
Something gave it away
And it would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that’s a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
‘Cause you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better than you and your boyfriend

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

Well, how long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you
Before I rightly explode
And this double life I lead isn’t healthy for me in fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
Well, baby there’s a lot that I miss in case I’m wrong

All I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still cant say it after all we’ve been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

If I should be so bold, I’d ask you to hold my heart in your hand
Tell you from the start how I’ve longed to be your man
But I never said a word I guess I’m gonna miss my chance again

Well, all I really want to do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
It’s a feeling inside that keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me
It might kill me

Words On A Piece of Aged Paper

I found this letter from a senior of mine while I was rummaging through a pile of old letters. Have to give myself a pat on the back for keeping it in such good condition.

I remember her saying when she handed the letter to me, that I may not understand what she was trying to say then, but I will when I read it again in the future.

10 years have passed (the letter was dated 2000) and she was right, I do understand it better now.

你无法强迫别人爱你。

你所能做的，是使你自己成为可爱的人。

此外，则不是你所能决定的。

你必须了解 -

不论你如何付出关怀，

有些人就是无动于衷。

你应该知道 -

建立起信任，需费时多年，

但只需几秒就能摧毁它。

你要记得 -

无论什么事情，

重要的不是发生在人们身上的事

而是他们对事物的反应。

你一定要了解 -

不论你切得多薄，

事情总是具有两面的。

你会明白 -

要成为自己所欲成为的人，

须要经历很长的时日。

The 10 Commandments of Riding

I’ve been down with a cold for two days now and it has affected my form during today’s riding class. My favourite, Rocket, has been transferred over to the kiddies’ class and I’ve to contend with riding Johno and Bally. Both of them are fine horses except for the fact that Johno is a tad lazy and Bally is easily startled.

Although they aren’t the easiest of horses to ride, I only have myself to blame for the mistakes that I make. I didn’t feel as if I rode my best today and I kept replaying the day’s lesson over and over again in my mind. Doing so helps me to re-live the moments when I made those mistakes and make mental notes of them.

1. Shorten my reins

2. Keeps my hands low during trotting

3. Keep my heels down

4. Sit in

5. Sit into the middle of the saddle

6. Grip with the knees

7. Stirrups under the ball of the feet

8. Do not pull onto the reins when signalling to trot

9. Kick with leg before turning

10. Be firm and do not let the horse get its way

Hilarity Ensues

Was having lunch at a Japanese restaurant with Mom, Granny and Ric when all of a sudden, it started to pour. It got so bad, the pathway outside as well as the nearby fields got flooded and we had one helluva time trying to get back to the car.

I don’t mind getting wet. As a matter of fact, I happen to like getting drenched in the rain very much. However what I DO NOT like is having to walk about with squelching socks and shoes because a) it’s cold b) it feels as if you have your feet stuck in mud and c) your shoes, socks and feet will smell at the end of the day.

Hence when we got to a huge pool of water, Mom and Granny waded across carefully while I stubbornly stood at the edge, refusing to cross. This was what happened next…

[Ric takes a few steps forward into the water]

V: [Stomps around] Carry me carry me!!!

Ric: No way, can’t you walk across yourself?

V: I don’t wanna! C’mon I’m super light… Carry me carry me!!

Ric: [Laughs and stoops down] Fine…

V: [Jumps onto Ric's back and is happily piggybacked across the pool of water]

Ric: You’re really light man. I can totally run while carrying you.

V: Told ya so.

[Mom and Granny laugh away in the distance]

Remix:Release Me(Mae)

It’s stifling to be in the house for longer than necessary. I’m counting down the seconds to the day when this state of limbo ends. There’s nothing more for me to look forward to, yet it’s not yet time to pack and leave.

The tick tick ticking has only gotten increasingly frustrating.

I heard the old man say we need the rain
And I can feel it in my bones they’re aching
I watched the sky and wait and wish these waters ease my pain
Because my will is breaking
If you’d get next to me and help me find simplicity
Then you could be the one to take me, to break me
And flood my soul…

A walk was necessary to stave of self-implosion. I grabbed my keys, fags and mobile and promptly took off. The cool night air was the first thing that awakened my senses.

Has it really been that long?

…Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
Waiting for your love
Oh to free me, so release me…

The calmness was in a way, comforting. It gave me the space I crave from time to time. There were no expectations to live up to, no one I am obligated to answer to.

At match point, everyone will hold their breath in anticipation when the ball hits the edge of the net and bounces upwards. It’s during moments like these when the smallest twist in the plot will result in an unprecedented upset.

There were several match point moments in my life which left me wondering what would’ve happened if I chose the other option instead.

…Grey clouds, they infiltrate as every move you make
Gets me closer to clarity
While droplet drummers lead a complex beat increasing speed
Somehow accompanies our intensities…

I awoke from my daze, only to realize that I didn’t have a clue where I was. However the spot that I stood at was… absolutely perfect for tonight.

The abandoned brick wall overlooked the city’s skyline. Bright neon lights shone strongly, coupled with stark halogens which shimmered in the distance. The surrounding suburb was sound asleep in the wee hours of the morning and all was quiet.

…At first this cloud burst is pulling us under
Lightning and thunder
Rain falls and you take me under
And flood my soul…

At first contact, the earthen bricks felt mildly damp to the touch. I swung my legs across the wall and manoeuvred myself into a comfortable position. It was a long way down should I fall or decide to kill myself.

I lit a fag with a quick flick of the lighter and took a long drag. I like to allude smoking to having a toxic affair. You know it’s bad for you and you may even try to quit (with success), but then there are times when your resolve crumbles and the old familiarity is simply too hard to resist.

I never trusted humans to be creatures of stability (because one does learn that much during childhood).

Someone once told me, “People can come into your life and affect it in the most profound ways, shaping you, building you up, tearing you down, restoring your karmic balance, whatever. Then one day, they no longer belong there, and they’ll be gone. Don’t waste tears when that happens. Just enjoy the relationship as it unfolds.”

Very apt, very true and the very reason why I prefer not to depend on anyone more than it is necessary to.

…Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
Waiting for your love
Oh to free me, so release me…

Listening to Mae and having a fag always works whenever I’m in one of my moods. Both of them coupled with the falling temperature put me in the right frame of mind to contemplate upon certain events. Before I knew it, I was once more, lost in my thoughts.

My ice-cold hands awoke me from my daze. I’ve been gripping the bricks for far too long. One, two, three cigarette stubs were flicked into the bushes before I got up. My legs told me it was time to hunt for another spot.

I walked.

…So take off your shoes and stay a while
This might be the right time tonight
If it makes you feel good
Then it makes me feel alright…

On a whim, I decided to take a turn down the road. The unobstructed expanse of light beckoned and I climbed a nearby tree to get a resting spot. It was then I happened to look up and be pleasantly surprised by the little gift of twinkling celestial bodies across the sky. It was as if the big guy himself scattered a handful of crushed crystals across the velvety night.

…We should take down the curtains now
and make blankets here on the floor
The torrential downpour, the potential for more
A cease to fight this tension that ignites us here in the dark
‘Cause tension causes friction and this friction leaves two sparks
The rain has filled this cup and before it overflows
I wanna take you in now
Here it goes…

Over the years, it feels as if I’ve fallen through the cracks in the ice and plunged head first into the freezing water. Initially, the impact feels as if the school bully has sucker-punched me in the stomach and knocked all the wind out of me.

The average person will probably never have to experience a gazillion pins being stuck into their limbs but that’s exactly how it feels like when the cold creeps in. Slowly but surely, I begin losing the ability to feel and gradually, it has eaten its way into the very core of my being.

…Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
Waiting for your love
oh to free me, so release me…

There were so many lame ass attempts to regain that heightened sense of being that I’ve lost count of the number of shenanigans I got myself into. The adrenaline rush one gets from experiencing close scrapes makes me feel as if I’ve re-lived my life all over again. Things just seem so much more… sharper and acute after that. Anything that falls within the range of “Normal” doesn’t really do well in terms of efficiency.

…Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
We have just begun
You release me, oh release me…

The 10th repeat of the song has ended and so I turned my back on the city lights, the twinkling stars and the cool spring breeze to walk back home just like I always have. The rain’s timing is once again, perfect.

3 Movies To Catch

The Dangers of Alcohol – A First Hand Account

I noted with extreme embarrassment that my last post was dated 1 July. Has it been that long?!

Enough with the babbling. The semester is coming to an end really soon and like the previous time, I’ll be back in SG before I know it. Although the concepts behind the lectures is significantly easier to grasp as compared to Semester 1, I feel as if I’ve worked myself to the bone because of SCIE3012.

My research didn’t exactly turn out well because there were too many unforeseen interruptions in between. I think it was a major case of bad juju because whatever that could go wrong went wrong. It’s also doubly depressing when you have to head to the lab after classes end every day. I was so spaced out each time I got home that my house mates had to approach me with caution to make sure if I was alright. Then J had to return to Taiwan and that left an immense vacuum in my life because I was so used to her presence and to having her around.

All of that happened in September.

When October finally snuck up on me, it was hell in terms of the stress levels I had to face. 1 major paper (60%), 2 reports (40%, 25%), 1 practical exam (20%) and 1 poster (20%)… all within a month. All that plunged me into a stress-induced depression (uni students should know what I’m talking about). My insomnia returned and I gradually lost my appetite. There were the rare occasions when I felt a fleeting bit of happiness but they were few and far in between.

Eventually, I came to rely on alcohol. It was quite the pal and helped me to sleep if I drank a little before bed. The problem eventually came when I started to drink whenever I was in a foul mood (which was very often).

In the morning of 13 Oct, I was rushed to Wesley’s emergency department because of severe dehydration. Yours truly, in a moment of desperation, gulped down half a bottle of wine before going to bed the night before.

The events began to unfold when at 5-ish am in the morning, I got up and stumbled blindly into the bathroom to puke my guts out. After that, I managed to stumble back to my bed (albeit in a daze) before passing out on it. When the alarm rang at 7am, I could barely manage to shut the damned thing off. Everything felt wrong, from the heavy thumping of my head to the deadness in my limbs. It was a miracle as to how I even managed to ring D (my house mate who lives in the room opposite mine) for help.

I summoned whatever strength that was left in me to speak. What came out of my mouth was, “D, I wanna die,” in a barely-there hoarse whisper. Much later on after the fiasco was over, she told me she initially thought I was playing a prank on her. WTH.

Anyway…

D, my savior, came over in a fluster and passed me some medicine and a mug of water. I felt like absolute shit then but I knew I had to get some water into my system (or at least try to). That didn’t work too well because I ended up puking into my waste paper basket instead.

Somehow my shrunken brain then managed to figure out that I needed an IV drip ASAP. I recall ringing D again and asking her to get my landlord to drive me to the hospital. The rest passed in a haze. What I remember was being injected with some drug before being hooked to the drip.

I slept, for a good two hours while the osmotic balance in my body was being restored. I awoke when I heard the creak of a chair. As I didn’t have my glasses on, I squinted and made out a familiar form sitting a distance away… It was C.

When I woke up from my 2 hr slumber, it was as if my brain finally remembered to use the ’sharpen’ function. Sucking the drug-infused banana bag dry made me feel so much better. I managed to smile and whisper hoarsely to C in a feeble attempt at conversing. I asked her not to let J know about this incident.

She then told me that in the middle of things, D tried to contact her but when it became apparent that she was still asleep, D left a message instead. When she was awake enough to read the sms, she literally dashed around the house in a mad attempt to get dressed before rushing over to Wesley.

I got discharged shortly after and my landlord came to pick C and I up (because she insisted on going home with me). For the rest of the day, I was under strict orders to get some R&R in my room. However my guts took a few days to fully recover from the escapade.

So boys and girls, that was the highlight for October. Never ever binge drink and even if you do, remember to drink lots of water after that.

Rove + Bruno = Knock-Your-Socks-Off Laughter

La Boeuf

I was feeling really miserable about my lunch today *stares down at it* so I decided to google random gourmet terms to make myself feel better.

I typed the magical words into the white box:

“Kobe Beef”

No I’m not going to be a sicko and post some picture of a poor cow being murdered. I had to restrain myself from licking the screen when the picture below came up. But seriously you guys, LOOK AT THIS.

How could anyone not want it?! NOM NOM NOM.

300. Not.

I assure you that no pieces of tissue were killed in the (unfortunate) making of this incident.

This, my friends, is the result of apparent clumsiness whenever I clip my nails.

Yes you are looking at a bloodied piece of tissue. Although it may seem artfully splattered with red paint, you have my word that it really is my DNA that’s on the tissue.