Remix:Release Me(Mae)

It’s stifling to be in the house for longer than necessary. I’m counting down the seconds to the day when this state of limbo ends. There’s nothing more for me to look forward to, yet it’s not yet time to pack and leave.

The tick tick ticking has only gotten increasingly frustrating.

I heard the old man say we need the rain
And I can feel it in my bones they’re aching
I watched the sky and wait and wish these waters ease my pain
Because my will is breaking
If you’d get next to me and help me find simplicity
Then you could be the one to take me, to break me
And flood my soul…

A walk was necessary to stave of self-implosion. I grabbed my keys, fags and mobile and promptly took off. The cool night air was the first thing that awakened my senses.

Has it really been that long?

…Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
Waiting for your love
Oh to free me, so release me…

The calmness was in a way, comforting. It gave me the space I crave from time to time. There were no expectations to live up to, no one I am obligated to answer to.

At match point, everyone will hold their breath in anticipation when the ball hits the edge of the net and bounces upwards. It’s during moments like these when the smallest twist in the plot will result in an unprecedented upset.

There were several match point moments in my life which left me wondering what would’ve happened if I chose the other option instead.

…Grey clouds, they infiltrate as every move you make
Gets me closer to clarity
While droplet drummers lead a complex beat increasing speed
Somehow accompanies our intensities…

I awoke from my daze, only to realize that I didn’t have a clue where I was. However the spot that I stood at was… absolutely perfect for tonight.

The abandoned brick wall overlooked the city’s skyline. Bright neon lights shone strongly, coupled with stark halogens which shimmered in the distance. The surrounding suburb was sound asleep in the wee hours of the morning and all was quiet.

…At first this cloud burst is pulling us under
Lightning and thunder
Rain falls and you take me under
And flood my soul…

At first contact, the earthen bricks felt mildly damp to the touch. I swung my legs across the wall and manoeuvred myself into a comfortable position. It was a long way down should I fall or decide to kill myself.

I lit a fag with a quick flick of the lighter and took a long drag. I like to allude smoking to having a toxic affair. You know it’s bad for you and you may even try to quit (with success), but then there are times when your resolve crumbles and the old familiarity is simply too hard to resist.

I never trusted humans to be creatures of stability (because one does learn that much during childhood).

Someone once told me, “People can come into your life and affect it in the most profound ways, shaping you, building you up, tearing you down, restoring your karmic balance, whatever. Then one day, they no longer belong there, and they’ll be gone. Don’t waste tears when that happens. Just enjoy the relationship as it unfolds.”

Very apt, very true and the very reason why I prefer not to depend on anyone more than it is necessary to.

…Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
Waiting for your love
Oh to free me, so release me…

Listening to Mae and having a fag always works whenever I’m in one of my moods. Both of them coupled with the falling temperature put me in the right frame of mind to contemplate upon certain events. Before I knew it, I was once more, lost in my thoughts.

My ice-cold hands awoke me from my daze. I’ve been gripping the bricks for far too long. One, two, three cigarette stubs were flicked into the bushes before I got up. My legs told me it was time to hunt for another spot.

I walked.

…So take off your shoes and stay a while
This might be the right time tonight
If it makes you feel good
Then it makes me feel alright…

On a whim, I decided to take a turn down the road. The unobstructed expanse of light beckoned and I climbed a nearby tree to get a resting spot. It was then I happened to look up and be pleasantly surprised by the little gift of twinkling celestial bodies across the sky. It was as if the big guy himself scattered a handful of crushed crystals across the velvety night.

…We should take down the curtains now
and make blankets here on the floor
The torrential downpour, the potential for more
A cease to fight this tension that ignites us here in the dark
‘Cause tension causes friction and this friction leaves two sparks
The rain has filled this cup and before it overflows
I wanna take you in now
Here it goes…

Over the years, it feels as if I’ve fallen through the cracks in the ice and plunged head first into the freezing water. Initially, the impact feels as if the school bully has sucker-punched me in the stomach and knocked all the wind out of me.

The average person will probably never have to experience a gazillion pins being stuck into their limbs but that’s exactly how it feels like when the cold creeps in. Slowly but surely, I begin losing the ability to feel and gradually, it has eaten its way into the very core of my being.

…Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
Waiting for your love
oh to free me, so release me…

There were so many lame ass attempts to regain that heightened sense of being that I’ve lost count of the number of shenanigans I got myself into. The adrenaline rush one gets from experiencing close scrapes makes me feel as if I’ve re-lived my life all over again. Things just seem so much more… sharper and acute after that. Anything that falls within the range of “Normal” doesn’t really do well in terms of efficiency.

…Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
We have just begun
You release me, oh release me…

The 10th repeat of the song has ended and so I turned my back on the city lights, the twinkling stars and the cool spring breeze to walk back home just like I always have. The rain’s timing is once again, perfect.